Man These Lemon Bars Are Good...

"WELL THEY'RE NOT LEMON BARS MUNCHKIN THEY'RE LIME AND YOUR ILL-REFINED TASTEBUDS MAKE ME WANT FILL A PILLOWCASE WITH BARS OF SOAP AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU."

That was the reply I issued to my 6 foot 5 brother as he chowed into one of these little babies I whipped up the other night. Me being a measly 5 foot 6, let's just say it was not particularly well received.

Though I'm pretty happy he didn't decide to defame my drumset.

But seriously, I bake for a reason and that reason is because I require attention and life satisfaction. These lime bars give me both in immense proportions and I will not have them fall victim to mistaken identity, not now, not ever. Especially for those "lemons".

And may I just say that using lime instead of lemon for this recipe is the best life choice most of you will probably ever make. Screw having children and buying that dream house; do yourself a favour and grow a lime tree and make these bad boys.

Literally I froth every time at the mouth when I make these, and my family likes to hang around the corner waiting for the entrails too. The funny thing is, unlike cookie dough and melted chocolate, the raw baking components that you're left with before you bake the bastards are so incredibly non-appetizing, but so incredibly delicious.

Seriously, don't make the mistake I did and eat most of the lime custard mix that you're supposed to put on top of your shortbread before you put it in the over. You WILL run out of limes. I repeat, you WILL run out of limes.

Oh another note before I finally indulge you in the recipe is that in no way shape OR form must you replace the limes with lemon. Nor must you use that shitty little bottled lime juice in replace of a fresh zingy tangy juicy lime. The difference is so so noticeable. 

Nuff said, enjoy!

LIME BARS 

p.s this recipe is adapted from the baking bible "The Art and Soul of Baking".

Best Christmas present.

Ever.

To Make your...

Shortcrust Pastry

(If you're in short supply of ingredients or don't have the time to chill your dough just go out and buy some store bought vanilla short crust pastry. Or chocolate. Or anything that wobbles that wibbler of yours really....)

1 and 1/4 cup all purpose plain flour

1/4 cup sugar (white and granulated please)

1/4 teaspoon salt

4 ounces of COLD butter, cut up into pieces

2 large egg yolks (discard the whites)

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 teaspoons of water

the zest of one lime

1. Place all of the ingredients in the food processor. Pulse until all the ingredients are JUST combined so they have formed little clumps.

2. Take your dough out and place on a lightly floured surface. Knead it a couple of times to make sure there are no lumps of ingredients and the whole thing has come together nicely. Wrap it in plastic wrap and bung it in the fridge to chill for ten minutes. NOTE: When you remove your dough from the fridge to roll in your tin, make sure the dough is reasonably shapeable and floppy as if it is hard it will crack when baked.

For The Bars Themselves...

4 large eggs

2 cups granulated white sugar

5 tablespoons white flour

2/3 cup freshly squeezed lime juice (takes about four or five limes)

1. Preheat your over to 175 degrees.

2. Line the pan you have chosen with foil across the bottom and up all four sides then lightly coat in some melted butter. Scrape your shortcrust into the pan and press it into an even layer in the pan. Chill for half an hour.

3. Bake the chilled crust in your preheated oven for 35 to 40 minutes, or until golden brown. Wait until cooled.

4. Whisk the eggs and sugar in a medium bowl. Whisk in flour (make sure there are no lumps) then your lime juice. Pour the filling over the crust and bake for 50 minutes or until the filling is set. NOTE: You can tell your filling is set if you tap the side of the pan and the filling doesn't jiggle.

6. Refridgerate until you'd like to serve. Dust with icing sugar to make it perdeh for your fellow consumers.